Before my recent trip to NYC I’ve decided to taste as many studios, approaches and teachers as I could so perhaps I could expand my yogi horizons, get some teaching ideas, etc. Little did I know that the biggest lesson I’d get would be in humility and empathy to my dear students…
From the moment I entered the first studio and class I felt like entering first grade at school. I was suddenly shy, excited and a bit nervous, all at once. Where will I place my mat? How will the class go? Will it be intense or easy-peasy? Will I like the teacher? Will the practice flow?
During the class (and some others that followed it), I noticed the changes in my state of mind. Moving between peaceful observation to being driven by the ego, trying to be “good” and “pleasing”. Transitioning between intimacy with the practice and myself, to criticism on the instruction and even practitioners around me. A tiny little voice within me asks “Why are you looking sideways? What does it matter? Don’t compare this teacher to yours. Return to your breathing, to the bodily sensations”. Gosh, what a drag.
When I catch myself this way, a smile appears and with it the realization that this experience is about to become much more interesting than I expected.
I start contemplating; Why do I feel this way? I’ve been practicing for quite some time now and when I participate in my teachers’ classes I don’t feel this way. So what is going on here???
A thought comes up; in my regular classes I feel at home, there’s no longer the need to prove anything, there’s no one to please, and so all that I’m left with is the internal work, the stillness. Naturally, such emotions might come up even when one feels at home. But somehow there is a certain ease and a supportive surrounding, which I feel helps working with these emotions and thoughts. Then, even when the ego “peeks” suddenly, I’m much less affected and in a turmoil, and quite quickly can calm it back down :). It’s a bit like this little devil wants to play and I respond with “just chill for a bit” or simply observing it being mischievous, with calm and a smile.
Perhaps our attraction to try out as many teachers, approaches and anything else in life, is derived from the frantic nature of the mind. The same nature that makes it difficult to concentrate, that pulls us outward instead of inward, that constantly looks for the next thrill. Maybe, sticking to one (or two) approach and teacher will help stabilize the mind, teach it to stay put and bring it inwardly. Maybe then we could uncover that that is below the layers, beyond the temporary thrill or any content/story we tell ourselves.
I don’t really have answers, just questions and contemplations. I am definitely planning to continue shedding light on the topic and am welcoming you to do the same.
Alit